Saturday, November 18

The Boy Who Cried "PWNED!"

I wrote this in response to a post in a video game forum. Just a quick knock out sort of thing.

Once upon a time there was a boy. It was his job at night to watch the sheep and make sure wolves didn't eat them. It was a sucky job. Bad pay, horrible hours, boring as hell. The bennies were good, s he stuck with it. And at least he wasn't at Starbucks.

But it was boring. So, to entertain himself, he decided to start yelling, "WOLF! WOLF! OMG! A WOLF IS GONNA EAT THE SHEEP!!!" All of the town folk come a runnin', pitchforks and torches and assault rifles ready. When they get there, the boy yells, "PWNED!" and laughs and laughs. The towns people are pissed because they were punk'd and didn't even get on MTV. Heck, they didn't even get on the Jamie Kennedy Experiment. And they were woken up from nice sleeps or had their love making interrupted. And these were people with really jobs, not minimum wage sheep watching BS.

Why they didn't fire the boy right then and there, I'll never know. Maybe they gave him a warning. Made him sign one of those official written warning forms. Most likely they didn't have much choice because no one in the town wanted the job and the temp agency would take a few days to fill the position. But whatever. They went back to bed, cursing the boy.

The next night, the boy is bored again, and not being smart enough to have brought a book or a DS or PSP or even a magazine or his iPod, he decides to do the joke again. (He also lacked a lot of creativity. A little too much of the toke toke, if you know what I mean.) So he cries out, "WOLF IN THE FIELD! WOLF IN THE FIELD! MUTHER F*CKIN' WOLVES IN THE FIELD!" And the towns people run out and the boy yells, "PWNED!! DOUBLE PWNED!!" and he laughs and laughs.

Okay, the towns people are really pissed. They promise that they will call the temp agency tomorrow and get this crap sorted out.

The next night, the boy is kickin' back, thinking that he is the next Dana Cook (because that is how is taste went, so sad), when he sees a whole pack of wolves enter the field. "Oh, crap," the boy says. And he starts to yell, "WOLVES! LOTS OF WOLVES! A WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM! OMG, THEY ARE REALLY EATING THE SHEEP! THE BLOOD! THE HORROR! THE SCREAMS! IT'S JUST LIKE JODI FOSTER SAID IN THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS! IT'S HORRIBLE!"

But the towns people didn't come. They just stuck ear plugs in there ears, cranked up their TV volume, put Spinal Tap on the stereo and turned it to 11. They'd been burned. And they hated the boy.

The boy was panicking, running around in a circle like a 5 year old girl... well, not a brave 5 year old girl. I've known little girls who were damn brave. So not like them. But he didn't see that the wolves had finished with the sheep and had encircled him. When he finally looked up, he saw their eyes, red with hunger, their teeth dripping in the blood and flesh of the sheep. And the boy said quietly, "I have pwned myself."

Best not go into the rest.