I have been sad and in denial. I have been cruel and mean to those who love me because I don't want them to see me this way. I have been lazy and stupid. I am amazed at my own capacity to hurt those around me, to burn bridges my pure neglect. I enjoy intensity but unable to process it or accept it.
I am still doing improv (which I am loving). I think I have some skill at it. It makes sense. It has rules. It lets me be someone else. It lets me be the center of attention and it lets me hand the attention to others at a moments notice. I love finding group mind. Ilove the laughter of my peers. I get extremely excited by analyzing the funny in things. I adore the moments when everything melts away except the scene.
I really enjoy Big Brother. First season I really have. It makes me feel guilty.
I wish I knew how to connect safely with people and not push them away. I wish I knew how to build meaningful friendships that didn't become co-dependant.
I dreamed of a woman I knew recently, one I hurt and spurned. I missed her into my toes... but I seem incapable of giving right now. Even words sometimes hurt to give up.
I really need to start eating more fruit.
Russia's The Dead Hand
4 years ago