Good class today. We got a tiny bit chastised for not having 'fun.' Valid point. We are all getting in our heads. But we are moving on to doing more Harolds now. I think that will help.
Reading through others' blogs tonight. Made me a bit sad. I returned to one that always brings me pain. It is a beautiful place, with a beautiful eye and a beautiful voice. But it always reminds me of those things that I have shut myself off from. What have I denied myself because of my own imbalances.
The fact is that I am an idiot. Yep. An idiot. But I am also selfish and quiet and shielded. And inconsistent. My knowledge and wisdom are no match for me heart and desires... so I have put those off into tiny boxes. Which is so not healthy.
The fact is that I have been happy as of late... but I am so frackin' scared of hurting people that it is going to be extremely hard to bring people in close again. I'm not scared of being hurt myself (well, of course I am), but I really don't want to crack someone else's life again.
Because the fact is that I am a brilliant liar. Especially to myself. And it would be so easy to slip into a groove of someone's arms and life. And I can't do that again. Not now at least.
I am very selfish about my own time right now. I am laughing a lot more now. I forget I time when I've laughed this much.
Russia's The Dead Hand
5 years ago