DCM Body Count. Day 5...6...7...

Note: My notes are horrible and were written while drunk or sleep deprived or just while laughing really hard. And there were the times I just didn't take notes. And I think I lost half of my notes. So this is also by my (faulty) memory. Don't hate me if I miss some or get them wrong. Just correct me.

8/8
MySpace - body count: 3
Pedestrians snipered by the Mayor of Austin - 3
Police Chief Rumble - body count: 15 (approx.)
Assorted, especially by sniper at scene ends - 15 (approx.)
Baby Wants Candy - body count: 7 (?)
Bureaucrat dies - 1
Dog shot to become ghost so bureaucrat won't be lonely - 1
Everyone else shot - 5 (?)
The Satellites - body count: 2
Double suicide by cop and criminal during hostage situation - 2
Death By Roo Roo - body count: 2
(note: I only caught the tail end and could see or hear well so this may be very wrong)
Crazy man with retard strength by some sort of suicide - 1
Estranged father of UFC fighter shot repeatedly by diner owner - 1
Revolver - body count: 1
Neck broken by ninja master - 1

Total for Friday, Aug 8th: 30
DCM Total to Date: 63

8/9
Wicked Fuckin' Queeyah - body count: 3
Woman killed in McDonald's (I forget how she died) - 1
Mantzoukas, on backline, scene painted as "dropping dead" - 1
Improv Verité - body count: 3
Double homicide by gun - 2
Suicide by gun - 1
Thank You, Robot - body count: 5
Man nummed by babyies (O.S.) - 1
Suicide by gun so would not have to get nummed by babies - 1
Nummed by babies after they got into house - 2
Suicide by tampon loaded into a gun (O.S.) - 1
Bad Data - body count: 2
Teacher died of tuberculous and/or STD - 1
Grampa Pirate fell out of boat - 1
The Wilhelm - body count: 1
Suicide of janitor at law firm (gun) - 1
The Stamp and Coin Club - body count: 2
Boy with ball hit with car twice, dosed in oil, crush by R/C airplane - 1
Runway worker hit by airplane and/or bus - 1
Veal - body count: 1
Woman sucked out of airlock - 1
Scherer, Schiffmann & Schick - body count: 2
Deaths of Mae West and Mae East - 2
Improvised Shakespeare Company - body count: 10
By executioner (axe) - 2
By suicide INSTEAD of by executioner - 3
Faeries by disbelief - 3
Witch (I some how forget how) - 1
King beheaded by daughter/father of unborn child - 1
DeCoster - body count: 1
Disintegrated by robot - 1
Code Duello: Hamilton & Burr - body count: 2
Fake sabertooth taker by neck snap - 1
By duel - 1

Total for Wednesday, Aug 9th: 32
DCM Total to Date: 95

8/10
Ragnarock - body count: 5
Double suicide pact carried out by hanging while an a capella group sang "Why Do Fools Fall In Love" - 2
Run through with sword by bride for interrupting wedding - 3
Bedtime Stories for Kidnapped Children - body count: 3
Husband shot by wife - 1
Woman cut into tiny bits by husband after third party cuts off and steals her fake breasts - 1
Superficial high school girl gassed - 1
Beauty Love Truth - body count: 2
Stabbed with wooden stakes by alien - 2
Rogue Elephant - body count: 18 (aprox.)
Assorted murders in bad part of town - 18 (approx.)
Monkeydick - body count: 1
Rocco died at some point but I forget why or how - 1
5 Dudes - body count: 2
The boy who cried fire in Duane Reade shot during chess/bingo/Life/etc game - 1
Ironing board/Zach Woods - 1

Total for Friday, Aug 10th: 38
DCM Total to Date: 126

Man believes he knows Parseltongue. Snake, Cops beg to differ.

Connecticut Man Threatens Girlfriend, Then Police With 9-Foot-Long Python

Lucky for them, 9-foot-long pythons aren't very obedient.

Police Lt. James Viadero said 21-year-old Victor Rodriguez was charged with threatening police and disorderly conduct after Monday's incident. No one was hurt.

Officers were called to Rodriguez's apartment on a report that he was going after his girlfriend with the pet reptile.

When the building superintendent opened the apartment door for the officers, Rodriguez allegedly told the snake, "Get them!", according to Viadero.

Rodriguez and his pet were both taken away: Rodriguez to jail on a $10,000 bond, and the albino python to the city's animal control shelter.

(via PapaSix)

When Walls Attack

(via Boing Boing)

Lessons of Oklahoma!

• It may seem like everything is going you way, but it's not.
• If you say you have a surrey with a fringe on top, you better damn well have a surrey with a fringe on top.
• Pornography is bad. Sometimes it could even kill you.
• Persians are sneaky, deceitful, and randy. But still okay.
• When confronting an arch-rival, why not try to convince him to commit suicide. You never know. It might work.
• Wolverine dances real pretty.
• If you are trying to make a not-so-tough choice and you inhale a special elixir, don't expect to get a real clear answer.
• In fact, it will probably put you to sleep out in a corn field. You will enter a horrible dream scape filled with prophetic images.
• Best not to trust anything branded as an elixir.
• To win the girl, sell everything you own at discount prices. Use the money to eat her pie.
• If your arch-rival tells to stick something in you eye, don't.
• To kill a farmer, you must become a farmer.
• Sure, cowmen and farmers can be friends. Especially when covering you murder.
• Oklahoma became a state due to enthusiastic spelling.

A couple of movies I want to see

The first is Paprika.

29 year old Dr. Atsuko Chiba is an attractive but modest Japanese research psychotherapist whose work is on the cutting edge of her field. Her alter-ego is a stunning and fearless 18 year old “dream detective,” code named PAPRIKA, who can enter into people’s dreams and synchronize with their unconscious to help uncover the source of their anxiety or neurosis.

Why can't the US start pushing animation? Although I doubt we'd ever name an 18 year old detective after a spice used on deviled eggs.
The second is Black Sheep.

On a vast New Zealand sheep station, a reckless genetic engineering experiment goes horribly wrong, turning sheep into bloodthirsty killers.

I mean, come on! How can that not be great?

Chivalry is not dead... just mistake

"It had nothing to do with him. I didn't even know if he was there. It was the woman. I thought there was a woman... So I grabbed the cavalry sword and ran upstairs..."

Porn might not make you go blind. Unless your neighbor stabs you in the eyes.

Cleansing Snow

Yesterday was spent at Thank You, Robot practice, lunch with the boys, and then a great dinner with all of Thank You, Robot. It was just a damn pleasant finish to an mindblowingly kick-ass weekend.

There were some things about The Idiotarod that bummed me a touch (counting but not limited to: The JACKASS attiude of a lot of the racers, the slight smell of Crisco and fish still on my flesh, the loss of the cheese balls, the NYPD illogicaly shutting down the afterparty before it started, the dip-shit who I tackled as he started spray painting the park). There is also that post-event depression. All of that work and then it is over. Gone. Ephemerial except for the Flickr pictures and the smell. But Sunday but my mind on my future plans

As I come up out of the subway at Grand Army Plaza, I am greeted with flurries of snow. And it is sticking! Everything has taken on that special fresh snow quiet. The dirt of NY is painted with a fresh coat of white and it all seems so clean. The snowflakes kiss me and I kiss back and I am just filled with joy and calm.

Falling snow always makes me think clearer. I know what I want from the present and the future, and I know that I know what I want. But this weekend I forgot to say that. The snow told me that I could. That it is okay to speak up. Time is too short not to.

I am making plans and living in the moment, which is the balance I have ALWAYS have a hard time with. But not right now. And I have too much great stuff on my plate to worry about the potential that the Mystery Dish may be the best thing ever.. especially when the kitchen is still checking to see if there is any left. (Most tortured metaphor of the week.)

I spent a large portion on the morning trying to get the race results out, so I still haven't had time to write down my thoughts of the Greatest Race in the History of the World. Soon. Tonight. I promise.

Barbarically Brilliant Spectacle

The Idiotarod is always hard to explain to people. They tend to get way too caught up on the "race" part. Flavorpill NYC has decent discription.

If Alaska's Iditarod is a competition of endurance, then NYC's annual Idiotarod is a competition of lunacy, if not idiocy. Replacing dog sleds with shopping carts, frozen wilderness with city pavement, and physical stamina with high alcohol tolerance, this is a barbarically brilliant spectacle to both see and experience. Teams of five costumed, cart-bound participants must reach checkpoints throughout Brooklyn and Manhattan while avoiding officially sanctioned sabotage and the occasional cop. Part Halloween parade and part roving, drunken food-fight, the Idiotarod questions the integrity of natural selection with shameless delight. If Darwin could only see us now.

I would say some of us would rather that there was less food fight... or at least food that was less wet, but what are going to do?

Idiotarod vs. CSI:NY

Apparently someone as started informing the press.
The Gothamist.

The Pope wishes you a merry Christmas... and wants to eat the hearts of young boys

This is purely a comment on this photo of the Pope giving Christmas midnight mass. Nothing else. Really.

McDonald's 1972

Yes, I'm just posting random stuff at this point. Just some holiday love for you.

I am loving being in L.A., even if 69 degrees and sun skies is anathema to Christmas in my brain. But I love my family so incredible deeply. It often makes my sad that I am so far away from them most of the time. But I love New York, too. So is the choices we must make.

So I send out good thoughts to you and your families and friend. Go ahead. Eat to excess. Drink too much. Get into fights about some perceived slight committed in 1997.

One Man vs. A Lot of Bees.

And this is why man discovered fire.

Oh, be quiet! Bees aren't cute.

This is where the bar as lowered for turning over security in a Iraq to the Iraqis

Iraqi soldiers eat frogs, rabbit at handover ceremony.

Iraqi soldiers bit the heads off frogs and ate the heart of a rabbit as signs of courage on Wednesday at a ceremony to transfer Najaf province, home to one of Shi'ite Islam's holiest shrines, from U.S. to Iraqi control.

A U.S. general called the transfer, under a plan to gradually hand over security and allow the withdrawal of 135,000 American troops, a major step in strengthening the Iraqi government as it seeks to stop sectarian violence.

Well then. We can move along now.

Crichton makes critic a child rapist

Back in March, Michael Crowley, journo for The New Republic, wrote an article critical of Michael Crichton. I have not read it (subscriber only), but I am guessing it didn't deserve this response.

In Crichton's new book, Next, he has a character named Mick Crowley. Let's look at a section:

Alex Burnet was in the middle of the most difficult trial of her career, a rape case involving the sexual assault of a two-year-old boy in Malibu. The defendant, thirty-year-old Mick Crowley, was a Washington-based political columnist who was visiting his sister-in-law when he experienced an overwhelming urge to have anal sex with her young son, still in diapers. Crowley was a wealthy, spoiled Yale graduate and heir to a pharmaceutical fortune. …

It turned out Crowley’s taste in love objects was well known in Washington, but [his lawyer]—as was his custom—tried the case vigorously in the press months before the trial, repeatedly characterizing Alex and the child’s mother as “fantasizing feminist fundamentalists” who had made up the whole thing from “their sick, twisted imaginations.” This, despite a well-documented hospital examination of the child. (Crowley’s penis was small, but he had still caused significant tears to the toddler’s rectum.)

Anal rapist of small children AND a small penis. Now that is a classy classy response.

(via Wonkette)

Why The Wii Will Win... in a street fight

Yeah, that's a heck of a shiner.

There are two lessons to be learned from this story:

1) Booze and the Wii is dangerous and may get you brought up of spousal abuse charges.

2) Look at her smile! Clearly she still loves the Wii and the Wiimote even after getting whacked in the face with one by her boy.

Liz, you rock!

(via Joystiq)

So much stuff to do!

I had a great rehearsal of something new. It was just–

Wait. Let me start again. There is just so much stuff going on right now, that I don't even know how much I'm going to be able to post. Let's go over all of the things you can find me at in the coming days.

Today (Tuesday, Dec. 5th): I shall be hitting Harold Night at UCB. Some fine teams shall be one stage. At 8pm you have T.R.U.C.K.S. and then Beverly Hills. Personally, I think Beverly Hills has the highest "sexy" quotiant of any other team right now. They just drip sexy. Then there is Creep and 1985. Creep has Angeliki George, Ryan Karel and Silvija Ozols who are all amogst my current favorites. Yes, Silvija is my current improv crush.

On Wednesday, I shall be going to Barcade for the Child's Play Fünde Razor. I will be the one losing at Guitar Hero. If that isn't your cup of tea, you should head to UCB at 11pm for a free show of some awesome sketch comedy... Hot Sauce Sells Out. Michael Showalter will there.

Thursday I am going to... you know, I don't know what I am going to. It is a mystery secret plan. I have not been told the details. I am to wear buiness casual.

Then there are meetings, gatherings, plans, and other such that who are not privy to.

But lets flash forward to Friday, Dec. 15th. You want to know where you want to be at midnight? (When I say midnight of Dec. 15th, I mean Friday, Dec. 15th, 11:59pm, just to be clear.) You will want to be at UCB again. Liquid Courage. You will want to see me perform a sketch of my writing. Me and my friend Vin performing. J Bob directing. It is some darn funny stuff. And it is free! Comedy! Drama! Violence! Me with a bad british accent!

Good good times.

And the next day is SantaCon. Wonderfully tasty SantaCon.

The not so fun side of the Wii

Over at Kotaku they have some lovely images from the Wii manual. Your standard what not to do. Like whacking your friend in the face. Or eating it. Or pouring a whole bottle of orange soda on it. Or storing it with your crack.

The Preacher coming to HBO

(Okay, people. Stop leading me to cool stuff today. I need to get to work, not write 300 words only to be torn way to post in the ol' blog.)

Garth Ennis and Steve Dillion's brilliant comic book Preacher is being developed for HBO.

If you are unfamiliar with Preacher, it is the tale of Jesse Custer, a down-and-out Texas preacher, who is possessed by Genesis, the bastard child that came from the coupling of a demon and an angel. Genesis had escaped from being imprisoned in Heaven. (You see, God abandoned Heaven.) The possession grants Custer with huge power, perhaps to rival God himself. Including the ability to command people to do whatever he says. A memorable seen early on has Custer telling a sheriff to "Go fuck yourself." And the sheriff does. He has to... um... cut it off first, but he does.

Custer goes to search for answers with the help of his old girlfriend Tulip and the heavy drinking Irish vampire Cassidy. Along the way they cross the Saint of All Killers, secret Papal organizations, scary Deliverence-esque family members, a Kurt Corbain-esque youth (if Kurt had been less talented and hadn't succeed in his shotgun suicide and only had horribly deformed his face... getting the nickname Arseface... and then become a happy optimistic fellow), and the totem spirit of John Wayne.

Imagine Buffy meets The Davinci Code meets Kerouac meets The Hills Have Eyes meets The Prophecy, written by Hunter S. Thompson, The Marx Brothers, and Thomas Aquinas, and directed by Tarantino.

Thank God (or whoever) that this is being sent to HBO.

C.O.B.R.A. presents the 2007 Idiotarod

As it is late in the evening, I won't go into this in much detail right now. Just that the Idiotarod... the greatest sporting event to grace this planet... is coming in just two months. TWO MONTHS! January 27. Mark it on your calendar. Mark it well. Start "obtaining" those carts. Start building that team. Get ready.

Go to the site. Talk on the forums. Sign my butt. Teach me to read. (A cookie to the first person you names that movie.)

Because this is the Idiotarod C.O.B.R.A. style. The world will never be the same again.

(I apologize for all of the labels... The Idiotarod crosses so many boundaries.)

SixSIder @ FDR Memorial, part 4

And FDR is backed up by Eleanor, who also kicked some serious tuckus. I now give the edge to Team FDR over 28 foot Lincoln.

I have a feeling when they get around to making a Reagan Memorial (especially if they make giant Nancy) that he'll end up taking the top spot. Not because I'm a Reagan fan, mind you. I just imagine they'll make his memorial particularly fight-worthy. And if they put in a giant Bonzo... no contest.