The Science of Crushes. Pt 1.

I don't develop crushes often. At least not sincere ones. I get the wistful, "They're cute and make me laugh and I sure wonder what it would be like to kiss them" thing. Sometimes that thought stays in my brain for weeks of months. Sometimes it will it me particularly strong if I'm drunk and feeling lonely and gets to the point where the wistful thought twists into exaggerated romantic fantasy (usually involving a subway platform, rain, her hand resting light on my chest and a whispered "Come to my place"). But those aren't crushes.

The problem, as I see it, is that I've stumbled into (and out of) way to many relationships. Most have them have been pretty passionate type deals. I can be an emotional, sweep you off your feet type fellow (I know... surprising ain't it?). I fall hard and quick once it has all started. But, I have learned, that I do that in part because I didn't really like myself all that much and it was much easier to become what she (which ever she it might be) wanted instead of facing whatever it was I wanted to be.

Now that I like me pretty well I find it a lot harder to just submit to passion/love/whatever you want to call it. And I've been burned a few time in the last few years where very shortly after it started it ended... usually with a "I didn't mention it but I was seeing this other guy and it has been so great with YOU this last week, it made me realize I wanted to make it work with him." (Yes. It made no sense to me either... any of the three times it happened.) I won't say that has closed me off, but it has made me wary. I like to take things slower now... but I also miss (greatly) that feeling of falling and tumbling and just in the moment.

Maybe my lack of being able to crush also deals with me being pickier. I've added so many things to my list of things that I want in a woman. My age range has become more specific. They most actually read books. They can't hate mass media but have to have a self-awareness about its silliness. They must have strong personal opinions but be open to hearing new ideas... even if they know from word one that they are going to disagree. Strongly "independent" but able to accept (and ask for) help/care when they need/want it. Aware of their own worth and talent and believe in themselves but also not narcissistic. A sense of humor. (This is the short list.)

The funny thing is I actually know a lot of women that fit this mold (okay, they age thing is a bit sketchy... but I am probably most flexible on that one). But I am infinitely talented at coming up with reasons why they'd not be interested in me. My age. We both run in the same too incestuous circles. She mentioned that one guy once so she must be into him. Blah blah blah. So I never allow myself to think of them as potential, for the lack of a better word, lovers. I just nip in in the bud.

And that is what it comes down to: potential. I seem to need to know that there is potential before I allow myself to walk over the edge. There was a time I spent a semester wooing a woman... and it turned into a wonderful relationship. But I just can't bring myself to dive in blind anymore. I need to know that they have considered me too.

The problem is of course that I can't flirt. I really can't. Not for reals. The second I start to think that the two of us my be real flirting and not just play flirting, I just freeze up. I say stupid things. Not the charming, slightly goofy things that once worked for me. Just stupid. I actually love flirting. I love being in the moment where you are sitting close together and your legs are touching and you suddenly realize that the energy between you has shifted and turned. Where every word carries four or five meanings. Where the silence following hard laughter is just the two of you looking into each others eyes, not wanting to look away. That moment on the street in front of the bar, where you are both about to go home but neither wants it to end and you both realize that the only answer is to kiss in the rain. I adore those moments. But I have lost all ability to follow through once those moments start.

I think I doubt myself and falter in that doubt. I pause in my head. "Was that a look? No. Yes? I don't know." And I just let it drop. It's cowardice, really. I fear the awkward moment of me thinking "yes" and then in the next second realizing it was "no."

Maybe I just want to be asked out. Or just told. Or pulled aside and told, "I want to talk to you."

I do still get crushes, it's just rare. There will be a woman that I think about a few dozens of times in a day and wonder if she ever things about me as "potential." But I am cynical and have burned and been burned by others. And I like myself now and like the world around me but I'm worried it is all a house of cards that will tumble with one misplaced assumption. I have more to loose now.

But I miss falling.