Wednesday, June 10

My social fears

I know, for a fact, that I can come across as stand-offish. Maybe even cold. Hell, maybe it isn't “can come across.” It might be “always come across.”

Here's the deal: I am scared of you all.

I know this is common fear, especially amongst people in the performing arts, but I often have the feeling, no, the belief, that no one actually wants to get to know me... or hang out with me. I'm not scared of folks actively disliking me (I already know who they are). I just assume I am not high on many people's radar/wish list.

It is nothing you do. In general, the people I want to get to know are great. They're friendly and warm. It's all me. (And as I type it, it sounds pathetic and sad and needy and whiny.) But it is honestly what goes on in my head, especially when I first meet people. “Oh, they won't want to get to know me.” And so I stand back, not putting myself forward. And that comes across as cold and indifferent.

The fear beneath that fear, is that if I let most folks see the non-cold me, they'd freak out. It comes out sometimes. When I get passionate about something. When I stop being concerned about being correct or making sure I see all sides of every damn issue and opinion. I rant from within. It's not an angry rant. It's a passionate rant, a fount of ideas and thoughts.

The weird thing is where I have recently tapped into that place in me: Storytelling in front of an audience. I've done in a couple of times, in a very safe/supportive place. And for some reason it is easier for me to formulate my ideas. I think sometimes being told “You have ten minutes and no one is going to interrupt or interject. It is all you” is just the freedom I need. It is like I am tapping into something that has built up and been stored. And, surprisingly, I lose that fear.

I also do it when I am gamemastering. Sigh.